Today threw me back 13yrs

I received bad news today. A woman whom I used to work with was found dead here in the UK after going missing.

I don’t have the full story yet, but she was apparently suffering from depression.

This news really threw me, as I have been feeling quite low and despondent the last few days. And to hear about someone else who has been suffering depression, actually suffering to that extent, it has just sent me in a bit of a spin.

Not only because I knew her, but to be honest, I haven’t thought back to those years and who I was very much at all.

Carol was in the first team I had ever managed as a Team Leader. I remember her and another guy in the team (also called Adam), being a great laugh. But also a pain in my backside on a number of occasions, mainly because they were always joking and goofing around when they should have been working.

For me it was a painful time, not directly because of them, but because I wasnt as supported as I probably should have been from my line manager.

And I suffered constantly with the feeling of ‘Imposter Syndrome’.

At times it was easier for me to step back to doing what I knew, than being a people manager and moving forward. And with hindsight, my line manager used me to push through changes to how the team worked, rather than doing it himself (as I had essentially taken his role after he was promoted).

I was also a very different person to who I feel I am today. I didn’t have enough confidence within myself overall to know what values I stood for. I was in my early 20s and still figuring that out for myself.

I was also still going out for big weekends, with partying to excess. Which in hindsight I was using as a coping mechanism.

I don’t regret anything, after all we the sum of our past experiences.

But that doesn’t mean I think back to those days much at all… And the unexpected news about Carol threw me directly back into that era of my life.

I do remember Carol, and her always being up for a laugh. So even though I was still finding myself and doing dumb shit, she was such a great person to have in the team.

So Carol, I hope you have found peace now.

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