This weekend I have to admit I let the black dog off the leash and allowed it to run wild.
The result wasn’t as bad as in the past, even my reckless behaviour is becoming a bit more tame (which is a good sign). But it did feel like a step backward.
The day was full of impulsive behaviour. It was like I knew what I didn’t really want to do but still did it anyway.
‘Do you want that cake?’ I asked myself. ‘Yes but I shouldn’t’, and boom before I knew it I had it in my hand!
‘Do you want another drink?’ I quoted, ‘No I should be getting home!’ – and before I knew it is was 3am and I was on the night bus home…
Now I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m not an alcoholic or in denial. However I did use ‘comforts’ like sweets and drinking to escape something, I’m just not sure exactly.
I do feel that there was a ssense of anxiety about an upcoming project, where I was having fears of inadequacy. How do Ai know that?
Well the whole post of Imposter Syndrome came from somewhere!!
But if I can recognise that in myself, why did I still resort to being a bit impulsive with my behaviour?
Still I need to recognise the progress I have made by not being completely reckless and still being aware of my emotional state (albeit not as much as I would have liked).
It does show still room to continue to grow & learn, but being able to at least recognise what I was doing while doing it is better than doing it absent mindedly.